Third Scribe: Self

The darkest pitches lay within, me...
Is there something wrong with me? Why aren’t I good enough? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be better? Why did you make them so much better? Why can’t I be one of them?? What is destined for me? Why did you choose this sort of life...for me??

These questions..I just can’t find answer to. I call out, but no one answers..that feeling of abandonment...it’s familiar. I just feel so pointless, so insignificant and betrayed...I hate almost everything about myself, like how I get so freaked out sometimes, or how I find so hard to make friends..my mind just locks itself away, it’s uncontrollable and I just don’t feel like myself anymore..as if I’m possessed for a period of time. When I wake up everything will be nothing but mere glimpses in my memory...vague ones...but why?? Am I not strong enough to control my own mind? It feels like you’re in some else body..being the watcher of life..observing mistakes and failures but unable to do anything to stop it...

-boxed and trapped in an endless thought, only the glass walls separate us

Second Scribe: Origins

The big mistake, the one significant thing that I would do anything to change. It started with the transition, from Junior to Senior yr. I was only 13 at the time. I had a few friends, they were close ones too. We had the best times together, doing the craziest things together..but this was about to change. Previously, about 2 years back into Juniors school..both of my best friends left my school..to live elsewhere, one to eastern states of Australia and the other somewhere around Asia. On the first day of senior school my best friend, a half asian/australian boy who was born in Norway waited for me. He sat patiently on a low brick wall surrounding a small garden excited..I knew he had a lot to say to me. I walked towards him expressionless and I knew he was looking. As I got towards him I turned, ignored him and kept walking. I didn't know what I was doing, it was as if I was suddenly possessed for a brief moment. I said I was better than him, and that senior school was a fresh start. My memory is vague for the following events, but I remember his face, it went dull..bloodless...I could see the sorrow in his face, but I knew..I knew I was wrong. I was the one holding him back. I felt an atmosphere of guilt, but didn't care...at the time.

The boy, his names Nick. Now, he is the example of a role model, a person that I would strive just to stand next to..or even talk to. He has everything, everything that I wished...I had....
I think, from time to time wondering what I would be like today..if I didn't make that mistake....

-history repeats itself many times in my life...only HE knows when I'll move on....

First Scribe: Fissure

My life...Its basically a fissure, a crack or anything that defines a separation of one part from another..but the catch is, I'm alway in the middle..stuck..or falling into the depts of abyss of just pure nothingness..going nowhere..while others somehow find that light at the end of a cave..I don't (why don't I? Is what I ask myself.) I guess that's what defines me..a person that is always in the middle, never one side or the other..no one sees you, no one needs you, no one looks at you and thinks that you mean something to them. It can get lonely, in fact it is..I always think about other people and what I could do to be like them.. to be missed, to be wanted and have things the way you like it.

-a fantasy is what I dream of, or is it??

Letting you know...

This blog....
I made so I could, in some form express my thoughts..and emotions on my own life...and somehow discover why I am still here, living everyday like there's something to look forward to when there is'nt...in fact there's nothing, nothing left for me to live for.....

-only He knows whats left