Fourteenth/Fifteenth Scribe: Push On

(Written in February)

I’m out of school and its closing towards the end of the holidays. School for others has already commenced and it’s starting to feel weird. I feel like I should be going to school.. like I belong there.. but I suppose there comes a point in one’s life where one must move on, and so I have. I’ve moved on into the big world and with university commencing soon I prepare to face the challenges that await me. My values are strong.. I am strong, ready and committed to influence others and lead them. Those who hit me hard with hate and arrogance will falter and fall under the light that emanates from my soul. The experiences... and the gift that I have must now be equipped and used for the betterment of the world. While I continue to grow in this new light no one will stop me no matter how close, far or dedicated they are... they will not obstruct me. For I travel hard and strong.. with compassion and commitment to fulfil my purpose. Endurance will take me far... and it will be far enough....

- Those who seek to bring chaos to the world will be broken

Fifthteenth Scribe: What Do You See In The Open Sky ?

Don't you just hate it when you strive so hard.. you spill your heart and soul out to achieve something and yet the goal is no where in sight ? You pour every single part of yourself in to doing the best that you can and yet...someone else just easily takes it away from you as if you were standing stagnant. That someone else is filled with hate he breeds anger in to the world and torments others while mocking those who are less fortunate.. It is as if the wicked are blessed but not the good... it is as if everything you know has reversed and the universe is caught in an eternal spin of doom. Why ? Why does nothing ever go the way of the contented but instead take the worse possible route during the worse possible time ?

It is my first year of university. Ppl seem so distant now, and the bondages that glued friendships toghether during highschool is non-existant. The atmosphere feels like its ever man for himself.. but no.. I will not accept this... I do not want to accept the corrupted nature of world at its face value... I believe there is something signifcantly deeper. Deeper than the arrogance that lies on the surface, deeper than the closed mind that rejects others. Everyone has a heart that is tucked away or pushed aside somewhere in a dusty coner.. (to protect it ?) What a chaotic realm in which we live... defence mechanisms that have gone wrong. It is when these mechanisms stop protecting but instead collide with its equivalent in its surroundings that it evolves, not just to defend but to attack.

The Voice... such a powerful weapon ... such deadly weapon... such a destructive weapon... while its use is inevitable everyday

- Nice people will never finish last

Twelfth Scribe: A Light Before The Eyes

So much happened in the past four months... It is like everything I hoped for was suddenly driven towards me, through me and out into a never ending distant black. Before I had a chance to grasp it...it was gone. I feel like the endless times of hope and prayers finally cracked and released a wave of energy that pushed through me...a little too quickly. All I have is memories, but I suppose memories are good enough. Now that I have experienced what I so dearly fought for, struggled for, SUFFERED for... does that mean my life is over?? Does it mean that I have a choice to end it?? There is no purpose...even now, after my hopes and attempted resolutions have been accomplished, I STILL FEEL THE SAME!!...GET IT THE FUCK OUTTA ME...please...I beg you please..... My last solution has failed. I’ve been given the ticket out. It so clear I can see it. I can’t take it any longer, the pain... it hurts so much. I want to be free, from the hurt, the pain, the doubts, the sin, the uncertainty, the regrets, the hate within... I have fallen into the trap of the world, I have been tempted to love the hate, and I’ve failed to resist... Freedom remains constantly in the back of my mind, happiness shows no effect on the disease of death that plagues my mind, disguised as a luxury it lingers so dearly, the perfect hunt... yet impossible to oppose... I am beyond repair... I am beyond hope... I am beyond reverse... I am beyond life... and sick of it...

.

My friends have turned against me due to some stupid FUCK of a rumour that my once close friend began... infested by paranoia, his mind does not see the clear world...or the world at all...he his centered to himself, blinded by the evil and lost in spiritual darkness... I pray you’d help him...please, I pray you do. He’s just being a child like he’s always been, I’m not really sure when he’ll grow up...if ever. I feel sorry him, that he lacks the ability to appreciate the gifts that were given to him...now he’s lost it... He has developed a naive nature, one which destroyed the potential to forgive others and portray humility to those who are blinded from the light, he has been filled by acts the lost... To oppose his poor self esteem he proceeds to minimized others and in turn this invokes satisfaction to his ego...I have tried my best...only HE can help this poor lost soul...I am sorry that couldn’t save him....

.

- Somtimes the only thing that you want, is impossible to get...

Nineth Scribe: Final Steps

New Years Eve...

and I'm sitting, in my room, alone.

I wish someone was here...I wish I had more friends...

I'm sixteen... and life shouldn't be like this.

Everysecond gets worse, I think of all the adventures and experiences that I am missing out on.

It kills me..in every possible way my mind destroys itself.. MAKE IT STOP..PLS..I beg of you to make this stop...

It's just under three hours before graduation year, 2010..I know I have to give it all. It only seemed like yesterday that I wanted school to end. I thought the time would never come... But now, things have changed...alot. I don't want it to end, I am not ready for it to end. There's so many things that I haven't yet done and accomplished. There are so many things that would go to waste if it were to end. I'm not ready...

I have been to the brink of death many times before...maybe this time...it takes me

This blog... It helps to relief the suffering within me, at least for a moment...

- When opportunity knocks, open the door, for it won't knock again

Seventh Scribe: Reflection

Every ounce of sin I feel against my soul, sitting in the darkness is what I seem to do best...avoiding attention while the world surpasses me. Why can't I be a part of it?? Only separation defines my life...is it really worth living?

I always see the light, the target, the goal... I'm always so close, like it is almost in my reach..but somehow I never fully get there. Its as if some extraordinary factor exists that aims to destroy me. It pulls me back just that little more, to make me suffer but not give up..an endless torture. I wish I could break free, I wish joy was eternal...

If time could rewind, everything would change...
Why do I constantly demote myself? I don’t do it intentionally, it natural...
The subconscious magnet towards doom, I feel its strength within me..

-Everyone wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die

Firth Scribe: Candle Light

A candle can only lead you so far in a pathway of darkness, before it runs out. If you cherish it... The pain, burn and scar before it leaves marks not the last of hope.

Imagine... being in a dark place...trying to open your eyes, but..it’s already open. There’s no sense of touch, just the light cold breeze on your fingertips. Frozen ice trickles your back while warm salty drops runs down your cheeks. Your heart..it left you in a state of endless grief and anger. Every gush of wind whispers sounds of death in your ears. You are left with...nothing but an imagination of hope. Time has lost all meaning to you as this suffering is eternal. Your soul tells you to die..it wants to leave this wretched body, every fibre in your body tells you to listen to it...but...something, some indescribable factor holds you back, just giving you that small amount of hope, that brief moment that’s enough for you to carry on just a little more, but not enough to save you... You suffer more, screaming on the inside while no one hears you... You run, scared and disorientated you just keep running..trying to escape the fear, you run so fast but even your hardest effort doesn’t change a thing...Finally, you collapse...only to re awaken trying to open your eyes again....

-Time, the most valuable thing..no one can ever get back..or change...

Forth Scribe: Alone

My reasons?? Well..there are plenty. I always have chances, chances to have a good life..but it always gets taken away from me, by mistakes and my own self. I like people, I like the thought of having lots of good friends and hanging out together..I like the thought of finding someone you love, to look after her, have fun with her, share feelings with her and love her...I guess these are the sorts things I’ll miss out on, being the way that I am...It’s hard to accept it but that’s just the way life is, everyone is different..some more unfortunate than others.

I know there are others like me, such as this guy who I went to school with. The only difference is, he doesn’t want to change. There’s no motivation in him to change..to fix himself. That’s what I noticed, that is different about me and the others. I am good at noticing what I do wrong, and have been given the motivation to resolve it. This separation in my mind, it helps me to look at the world from an outside view...like I’m not a part of it, but still inside. I’m not really sure how long this new light will last, hopefully it’s enough to lead me out of this maze....

- Sometimes I like being cold...it dulls my senses, shutting me from the outside world and my exclusion from it....

Third Scribe: Self

The darkest pitches lay within, me...
Is there something wrong with me? Why aren’t I good enough? What am I doing wrong? Why can’t I be better? Why did you make them so much better? Why can’t I be one of them?? What is destined for me? Why did you choose this sort of life...for me??

These questions..I just can’t find answer to. I call out, but no one answers..that feeling of abandonment...it’s familiar. I just feel so pointless, so insignificant and betrayed...I hate almost everything about myself, like how I get so freaked out sometimes, or how I find so hard to make friends..my mind just locks itself away, it’s uncontrollable and I just don’t feel like myself anymore..as if I’m possessed for a period of time. When I wake up everything will be nothing but mere glimpses in my memory...vague ones...but why?? Am I not strong enough to control my own mind? It feels like you’re in some else body..being the watcher of life..observing mistakes and failures but unable to do anything to stop it...

-boxed and trapped in an endless thought, only the glass walls separate us

Second Scribe: Origins

The big mistake, the one significant thing that I would do anything to change. It started with the transition, from Junior to Senior yr. I was only 13 at the time. I had a few friends, they were close ones too. We had the best times together, doing the craziest things together..but this was about to change. Previously, about 2 years back into Juniors school..both of my best friends left my school..to live elsewhere, one to eastern states of Australia and the other somewhere around Asia. On the first day of senior school my best friend, a half asian/australian boy who was born in Norway waited for me. He sat patiently on a low brick wall surrounding a small garden excited..I knew he had a lot to say to me. I walked towards him expressionless and I knew he was looking. As I got towards him I turned, ignored him and kept walking. I didn't know what I was doing, it was as if I was suddenly possessed for a brief moment. I said I was better than him, and that senior school was a fresh start. My memory is vague for the following events, but I remember his face, it went dull..bloodless...I could see the sorrow in his face, but I knew..I knew I was wrong. I was the one holding him back. I felt an atmosphere of guilt, but didn't care...at the time.

The boy, his names Nick. Now, he is the example of a role model, a person that I would strive just to stand next to..or even talk to. He has everything, everything that I wished...I had....
I think, from time to time wondering what I would be like today..if I didn't make that mistake....

-history repeats itself many times in my life...only HE knows when I'll move on....