Twelfth Scribe: A Light Before The Eyes

So much happened in the past four months... It is like everything I hoped for was suddenly driven towards me, through me and out into a never ending distant black. Before I had a chance to grasp it...it was gone. I feel like the endless times of hope and prayers finally cracked and released a wave of energy that pushed through me...a little too quickly. All I have is memories, but I suppose memories are good enough. Now that I have experienced what I so dearly fought for, struggled for, SUFFERED for... does that mean my life is over?? Does it mean that I have a choice to end it?? There is no purpose...even now, after my hopes and attempted resolutions have been accomplished, I STILL FEEL THE SAME!!...GET IT THE FUCK OUTTA ME...please...I beg you please..... My last solution has failed. I’ve been given the ticket out. It so clear I can see it. I can’t take it any longer, the pain... it hurts so much. I want to be free, from the hurt, the pain, the doubts, the sin, the uncertainty, the regrets, the hate within... I have fallen into the trap of the world, I have been tempted to love the hate, and I’ve failed to resist... Freedom remains constantly in the back of my mind, happiness shows no effect on the disease of death that plagues my mind, disguised as a luxury it lingers so dearly, the perfect hunt... yet impossible to oppose... I am beyond repair... I am beyond hope... I am beyond reverse... I am beyond life... and sick of it...

.

My friends have turned against me due to some stupid FUCK of a rumour that my once close friend began... infested by paranoia, his mind does not see the clear world...or the world at all...he his centered to himself, blinded by the evil and lost in spiritual darkness... I pray you’d help him...please, I pray you do. He’s just being a child like he’s always been, I’m not really sure when he’ll grow up...if ever. I feel sorry him, that he lacks the ability to appreciate the gifts that were given to him...now he’s lost it... He has developed a naive nature, one which destroyed the potential to forgive others and portray humility to those who are blinded from the light, he has been filled by acts the lost... To oppose his poor self esteem he proceeds to minimized others and in turn this invokes satisfaction to his ego...I have tried my best...only HE can help this poor lost soul...I am sorry that couldn’t save him....

.

- Somtimes the only thing that you want, is impossible to get...

Second Scribe: Origins

The big mistake, the one significant thing that I would do anything to change. It started with the transition, from Junior to Senior yr. I was only 13 at the time. I had a few friends, they were close ones too. We had the best times together, doing the craziest things together..but this was about to change. Previously, about 2 years back into Juniors school..both of my best friends left my school..to live elsewhere, one to eastern states of Australia and the other somewhere around Asia. On the first day of senior school my best friend, a half asian/australian boy who was born in Norway waited for me. He sat patiently on a low brick wall surrounding a small garden excited..I knew he had a lot to say to me. I walked towards him expressionless and I knew he was looking. As I got towards him I turned, ignored him and kept walking. I didn't know what I was doing, it was as if I was suddenly possessed for a brief moment. I said I was better than him, and that senior school was a fresh start. My memory is vague for the following events, but I remember his face, it went dull..bloodless...I could see the sorrow in his face, but I knew..I knew I was wrong. I was the one holding him back. I felt an atmosphere of guilt, but didn't care...at the time.

The boy, his names Nick. Now, he is the example of a role model, a person that I would strive just to stand next to..or even talk to. He has everything, everything that I wished...I had....
I think, from time to time wondering what I would be like today..if I didn't make that mistake....

-history repeats itself many times in my life...only HE knows when I'll move on....